Show ME How to Live

Yesterday I said how awesome the weekend was.
That was at least a “partial truth”.
Sunday was Father’s Day, which like many of my friends,
have a hard time dealing with this day – for more than one reason.
I have had a hard time with it because me & my Father don’t always agree.
He is very opinionated (I must be drawn to those people).
He hasn’t exactly handled his family well in life , considering
that he hasn’t spoken to his 2 Brothers in a year.
He has always jumped from job-to-job, changing careers like changing clothes.
He blames others for his problems in life, instead of taking the blame upon himself for bad choices.

One thing I have going for me is I KNOW that I am NOTHING like him.

I bring a lot to any relationship I am in – be it friends, girlfriends, family, work associates.
Patient, Giving, Courteous, Thoughtful, Loyal, Sensitive…
these are some of the qualities that my friends I have told me that I have.

Finding myself has never been so hard.
I feel I have a tortured soul – stuck between Love and Hate.
I want so badly to feel “normal” again. It is not easy.
I guess all things we want bad enough, are not easy.


"Working on me. Working on You. What the HELL are we Working for?"

No Cure for Cancer

The weekend was awesome. It was so sunny and warm.
This week should be more of the same.Went to the
Del Mar Fair on Saturday with “chuckles” and his wife “T”.
I was supposed to get dinner with “silly” but she flaked.



Went on a 3 hour bike ride yesterday. Grilled some fish for dinner.
Watched “Hitch” on DVD last night. Very relaxing. I was actually
looking forward to the upcoming week. I have another interview
this week and need to follow up on a few more.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am addicted to TV (the good, the bad and the horrible).
The wasteland that used to be summer is now spotted with small oasis’
of great television.Tomorrow night is the return of what could be my
favorite show on at this time – RESCUE ME. Dennis Leary is brilliant.
The writing is great. FX Networks puts good cable television back
into the spotlight. I recommend it to anyone that likes TV.
Go today and buy Season 1 on DVD (or rent it). You won’t regret it.

My other favorite starts again on July 15 – BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
Before that show started, I was bagging hard on it. I couldn’t
picture Edward James Olmos as Commander Adama (Boy, I was WRONG).
I couldn’t see the change of Starbuck from a man to a woman (It works).
New Cylons… Female Boomer… Richard Hatch a villain… Again, the changes
and explaining of how they got to this point, through the mini-series &
Season 1, puts this show into the upper echelon of shows.


“I’m an ASSHOLE… Everybody, A… S… S… H… O… L… E”

Bizarre Love Triangle

I went to see Batman Begins last night with “beat-dave”.
It is good to reconnect with old friends.Especially the single ones
that may be going through a lot of the same stuff I am.
Work sounds like it is going great for him and he is set to
(finally) open his own Aikido studio.I think if he could afford it
he would move into his own place.

As far as the movie, all I can say is WOW. They finally did get it right.
I am really excited about the resurgence of the super hero drama in the last few years.
There has been a lot of crap that has come out as well (and more on the way).
The acting is top notch and the story is portrayed with a reality that has not been seen.
It helps that Batman is just a normal guy that is a hero.
Overall, a great move - 4 of 5 Stars.

I am making another ME weekend. I have a list of stuff I want to get done,
including pampering myself, shopping and exercise.
Too bad the weather is crappy – damn June gloom. I am ready for the sun.

Today June 16th, 1989:
It has been 16 years since X-Fest at the Aztec Bowl
(with Cox Arena now currently hovering above the old field).
I remember a warm summer day with a group of young people drinking
at a condo by Grossmont College; driving to SDSU; drinking on campus;
and watching They Might Be Giants, The Sugarcubes, and NewOrder.


cp - circa 1989

Daily Grind

Still not working full time. I have been keeping busy –
I am hopefully one step closer to some work, but it usually
takes a couple of weeks. Companies never seem to be in a rush.

I called EDD this morning to get unemployment $$$ coming in.
I also need to follow up with a handful of companies to see what
my status is.

Research. E-Mail. Wait. Call. Interview. Wait. It can get frustrating.
The one thing that is constant is that I know I am doing what
I love as a career.

My exercise regime has become good again. Hitting the gym 3-4x’s a week.
I got my mountain bike back as well. That means I will be riding a lot more.
From all the stress I have lost a couple of pounds but my abs look great!
I need to continue to eat healthy & happy.

I am going to see Batman Begins tonight. Review tomorrow.

In Your Honor

Listened to the new FOO FIGHTERS CD (for the 20th time). Here is my review:



Rock CD:
• In Your Honor- 8 in 10 (Good Hard-Rocking tune, but the lyrics sound like the 70’s Coke commercial)
• No Way Back – 10 in 10 (My favorite song on the CD)
• Best of You – 8 in 10
• DOA – 9 in 10 (Great!!)
• Hell – 8 in 10
• The Last Song – 10 in 10 (My OTHER favorite song on the CD, especially talking about girlfriends)
• Free Me – 7 in 10
• Resolve – 6 in 10
• The Deepest Blues are Black – 5 in 10
• End over End – 6 in 10

Mello CD:
• Still – 4 in 10
• What If I Do? – 5 in 10 (Sounds like “How I Miss You” or acoustic “Ain’t it the Life”)
• Miracle – 10 in 10 (Great Song, will likely be the mellow radio airplay song)
• Another Round – 8 in 10 (Great)
• Friend of a Friend – 7 in 10 (I like the original version better)
• Over and Out – 5 in 10
• On the Mend – 7 in 10
• Virginia Moon – 8 in 10 (Funky Lounge Song)
• Cold Day in the Sun – 8 in 10
• Razor – 7 in 10 (Beatlesque but Good)

Hard Rock CD Overall – 8 in 10
Mello CD Overall – 7 in 10

It will be hard to beat The Color & the Shape as the BEST FOO CD ever.

Up in Arms

Trying to be proactive in a not so kind situation, I contacted another
headhunter to find work as well as a permanent position today.
They seemed impressed with my portfolio and have already sent me a lead.
I need to get a little work together for them.

I need to follow up with a couple of jobs I have applied for and look
at the job boardsfor any new ones. A lot of times the same crappy jobs
never get filled for long. The same companies always have the same openings.
I have freelance work again with focalscape.

I have started to follow through on my grief counseling. I am reading 3 books –
“The Grief Recovery Handbook”, “The Mastery of Love”, and “How to Survive the Loss of Love”.

I like self-help books. I know they can’t help you with everything you
are feeling but bring up questions you may not have thought of.
It reminds me there is no timeline on recovery.
Take your time. Grieve. It is natural.
You will be sad. You will have good days & bad days.

Space. Space will help. Giving her space is important.
Space is important for me to heal.

I just wish things were different…
Right now, this is where I am at.

“Together now I don't know how this love could end
My lonely heart it falls apart for you to mend”

New World Order

Another day of freelance with focalscape.
If you ever need great, award-winning video help be
sure to look them up:

www.focalscape.com

They have recently won 14 Telly Awards,
for their work on the Platt College commercials.




Went on a ton of errands last night, including Borders,
Best Buy, & Target. 3 of my favorite stores.
Isn’t it funny how these LARGE conglomerates have
taken over our lives. I know on Tuesday I need to
visit BB for new music & movies.I read a lot of stuff
online but when I need to hold the “written word”
I head to Borders.

Magazines & Books are my weakness (along with music & movies).
Gone are the small independent record shops
(well at least their prices are WAY higher than the chains).
I still like to look in the little used book stores,
when I can find a decent one that doesn’t smell awful.

I am also guilty of drinking coffee from Starbucks,
getting a juice from Jamba Juice and grabbing lunch
from Jack in the Box, I remember who controls my destiny…
Corporate America.

That’s the Fact, Jack

Back to the grindstone on the job hunt. I have been keeping busy.
I put a call in about the job but they said they may not make a decision
until Wednesday or Thursday.

Went to the gym and took a yoga class Monday.
Very relaxing, with the breathing and the stretching.
Also, got outside and enjoyed the sun.

Today I am working with “bruce brownwood” & dreddi”
on some freelance work.

The new White Stripes CD “Satan get behind me” comes out today.
I’ve had it from “mare” for 2 weeks. Go get it. It rocks!!!
Best 2nd track – “My Doorbell” but against “Blue Orchid” is THE best.
Also the SE version of “Stripes” comes out today.
A week to go for the new FOO FIGHTERS – “In your Honor”.
I can’t wait! I’ve heard half but should get both disks soon.
Review to come.

My emotions have started to change. From Sad and Missing her.
To Angry and Disappointed. Just trying to give the space.
Time will start to heal but I keep picking at the wound.
She is working on it, I know, but I am one of those people
that wants instant change.

I want to make every moment count. That if I only had 24 hours to live,
who would be the person I choose to do it with? She knows in her heart.

“I got another confession to make, I’m a fool”

Head Over Feet

This weekend has been surreal to be sure. My actual weekend started on
Wednesday night when my car broke down. I didn’t get it back until the
end of day Friday. It was the water pump.I got the work done for free from
a suggestion from “chuckles”. Let it never be said that something as simple a
phone call can’t get that ball rolling a little faster.

As many of you may know, I have been in an uphill struggle to hold onto a
relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years. Thursday was both the pinnacle &
low point thrust into an abyss. Now comes the point in my life to grieve and
rebuild the wreckage. I visited with friends, talked things over with my sages and
came to the same conclusions.

I must move on. I must be strong. I will survive.

Friday sucked emotionally.
I had dinner with the Greens. Hung out with the kids. Stayed grounded.

I went to the Fiesta del Sol in Solana Beach on Saturday. It was grey & overcast.
“June Gloom” for those San Diegans that know. Which is actually the way I felt anyways.
Went to dinner with “spork” on Saturday night, watched a movie & met “mare” & “kd”
@ the Waterfront. I think Molly Hatchet was the cover band.

Sunday was a day to concentrate on me.
Some shopping. Some driving. Some thinking.
I know what I need to do. Stopping myself is another matter.
No matter what the brain says the heart works independently.

"I keep telling myself not to torture my psyche but it doesn’t listen."

Thank You and Goodnight

Lost my best friend today. How about you ?

State of Love & Trust

I have been meaning to broach this subject but being in a particularly
hard place right now, I have been avoiding it. To me, and I think most,
TRUST is the foundation of any good long-term relationship.
Those first few months are the building blocks to the relationship.
Finding out all the good stuff about the person; meeting her friends & introducing
her to yours; seeing her drink (or get drunk), how much time she spends on the
phone, getting ready to go out, etc – these allow you to start to see the “real” her.
You start see the person in their natural, relaxed state. I love the first time
you see the woman the next morning – no make-up, hair all f@#ked up, bad breath and all.
If you still like her after that, congratulations, you found yourself a winner.

The problem sometimes starts with her hanging out with her friends,
going to bars & clubs, even just hanging out at a coffee shop or the gym.
Especially if the friend is single or if the girl isn’t sure she wants to be in a LTR.
She may have commitment issues. She may be flirtatious by nature.
She may thrive on attention. Any of these can lead down THAT road.

The problem I have is once the trust has been breached, that is the beginning of the end.
You see it usually starts with a LIE. then another. and another. it keeps rolling and rolling.
Sometimes you may search & search for the truth but it is buried so deep you may never find it.

What I guess I am trying to say, is trust your gut feeling.
Even if she won’t admit to anything,you can have the piece of mind
to know that you tried to get to the bottom of things.
I do believe that trust can be repaired but be prepared to
make some sacrifices and hard work, as well as getting her to get on the same page.

Myself, I am deciding if I can trust someone again.

“Promises are whispered in the age of darkness”